lonelyHERE

feeling lonely even tho I have a family of my own. im not tryin to be negative and I love my family. honestly I feel like a single mom. I have no one to talk stories with or his hang out with But my daughter. husband is distant, I don't think he means to be that way. its just different. if I get word that I don't get thisjob im going to do that immediate hire thing. I really need a job and I need to be working soon. id rather work super hard than not work at all. I am determined to make money and support our needs
honestly we don't need tv or internet I don't need to have a cell phone but this is all apart of the world. I believe keeping my life simplewill benefit me andmy Ohana in The long run.

im not negative just realizing the obvious. if I do t get the bank job. I am going to go work at that job for $1000/wk

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beenFEELING

A little lonely lately. I noticed When I stay home we fight more. Whn we hardly see each other we appreciate each other more.

Must be just me. Something doesn't feel right. I feel alone, living in an apartment with a friend raising a baby. Idk.im not going to go through a emotional stage I just feel very how should I say. Abandoned.

Evvn tho I bring it up it matters for a few days then it starts back up again. Im wondering if I should just go on and do my business as I do.

Maybe he will notice maybe he won't.

I am tired of this. I will go on doing the best I can everyday. I wildo all I can to make a better life for my daughter put my pride aside and work hard for her. Give her something to be proud of. I am a strong woman dammit! I want her to see it. I don't need a man to tell me I can do things I know I can.

Im not leaving him. Im just saying I wont rely on him to do things the way I do. He does his own thing and he seems to have his own routine down. So why constantly bag him on it.

I am not doing it anymore

Ill do what I do
And I will do it good!

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beenAWHILE....

Sooooo lately I've been craving my dark chocolate trying to fours out whether is my new exercise routine or I maybe.....nahhh don't think so.

Im on lunch waiting to go back to work. Had two burritos and debating whether I want to go outside and get my candy.....or ill just get some behind me in the vending machine. Lol

I hate these dreams im having lately, my ex wants me back and for some dumb reason I go back to him then feel guilty becuz im still married....damn need to get those dreams out of me. So sick of it.

I hope I never see that mommas boy ever again. What a dayum LOOOOOOSAH!

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doI?

Do I really want to put sooooo much effort in a JOB? IF I WAS single I would make a career out of Walmart but having a family is my importantn goal in life. Yes making $$$ is apart of maintaining a life But I am more interested in the well being of my daughter and future children. They are the ones that matter the most to me. Its god family job and money. Those are my priorities and I intend to keep it that way..

Toughts of the night

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zumbaDAMN!

Whew today I had a hard workout with my zumba video at home. It was amazing and hard work. I am so determined to get my body in shape for my next child. I need to get past these mental blocks saying "YOU CAN'T DO THIS JANELLE ITS TOO HARD" its a voice I've had in my head for far too long. Its time to get over that hurdle and jus DO IT!!!!

I know I can I just need to keep myself motivated :) with help and support from friends and family I know its possible.

Back to work....

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goodNIGHT

My hubby kairi n I had a great dinner with some awesome friends :) dinner at ken wah chop suey should've took some pics....anywho I love socializing with friends it takes my mind off of other things helps me get through the week.

I would like to be more of an encouraging friend rather than grumbling about stuff all the time positivity is easier to hang around.

I wanna be the way I used to be bubbly and positive :)

That's all for now.
Good night

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onBREAK

Today is a slow day plenty people at work and hoping I can leave work early. I got almost 2 hours of vacation left. I am hoping that I can leave. Anywho, I am determined to go meetings regularly. Its about time I go and be regular its only 4 hours a week at most. I can do that. I know in my wart that is what I want.

I am so determined I need to keep a strict schedule. Of walking jogging studying and going work. I want to be proud of myself for returning to Jehovah. I know MANY people have different stipulations about witnesses but no ones unless they understand. So how can you understand when you aren't open to learning. It kills me that I hurt my family The way I did. But that was in the past. I have changed with the help of my hubby altough he doesn't agree with some teachings he supports me bcuz of how u feel. I love him for that. He is amazing and I wouldn't feel this way if it weren't for him.

He says it hurts him to see me sad. And e wants me to do it for me and only me. I am confident I will make my way back before the end of this year. I love darren and kairi and want nothing nut good things for my little family.

Breaks almost over

Gtg ttyl <3 ME

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